As you know from my previous post, this girl was dealing with some junk. All of my demons that I thought I had under control decided to rear their hideously ugly heads in unison…they’re thoughtful like that. So I made a break for it.
While I’m sure curiosity has gotten the best of some of you; the specifics of where I went, for how long, etc; those minor details have little to no bearing on what was accomplished in my time of solitude so keeping them to myself.
I do intend to share over time things that were revealed to me during the quiet, but I wanted you all to know where I started.
I was worn.
There is one particular verse in the song I shared that sums it up:
I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Crazy, isn’t it? How can someone who seems to have it all together from the outside be a hot mess on the inside?! That answer is easy, I like to call it repressor-itis, (not a word but it fits). This would be the disease that takes over your life when you choose to cram all of your emotions, struggles & malfunctions down really deep where you think no one can see them, not even God.
I had somehow managed to place the most unrealistic expectations on my life all while convincing myself that it was everyone else who had set the demands. The standard of excellence that I had was so high that I constantly found myself falling short, way short. I felt like a failure, a liar and a hypocrite. The worst part is that I was taking it out on everyone around me. After all, it was their fault I felt this way. That is when I knew that it was time for an intervention…with Jesus.
When I allowed myself to really stop and reflect on all of my baggage, I realized that the problem wasn’t everyone else, it was me. And I didn’t like that, not at first anyway. Admitting that the issues where internal was hard because it meant that I couldn’t place the blame on anyone other than me. Then it was like a little light went off somewhere in the very deep, very dark recesses of my mind. If the problem is within me, then it is within my ability to repair it. With the help of the Lord, of course. Because people let me tell you, this girl has so many major malfunctions that a team of shrinks, pastors and self-help gurus would flee if they caught a glimpse of all the crazy that’s going on in my head. But Jesus, He’s got this. There is not one thing about me that He can’t handle.
And for the first time in a long time, I breathed a little easier. Do I feel like the battle is over, um, no. I do believe that the worst is behind me. I must admit that I was terrified to be alone at first, I was scared of what I might discover. Here comes the kicker. What I discovered is that I kind of like me. Not the me that I try to convince everyone that I am, the “I-got-it-all-figured-out-church-lady-who-never-needs-anything-from-anyone.” I’m talking about the real me that most people have never seen. You know what else I remembered? I enjoy reading…and dancing…and singing…and letting the sun hit my face just right…and listening to silence…and laughing, out loud! And I didn’t feel guilty, not one bit, that I can enjoy being away from my kids.
So, in a nutshell, there it is. The truth. You may be a little disappointed to know these things about me. Or maybe you will feel a little liberated yourself. Because if “super mom”, (as some of you nut jobs have dubbed me), can be a bit more forgiving of herself, then maybe you can too.
For those of you who have been crazy with worry…it’s ok…I’m back 🙂 A new and improved version of the girl you thought was long gone.
“Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once more.”
(Psalm 71:20-21 NIV)